I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
