i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize