He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
