did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
