just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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