just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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