I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
