I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
