I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
