i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
