singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize