I just threw up on my dentist
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
