I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I know her cup size but not her name....
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