did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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