I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
