I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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