They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
