you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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