Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
