I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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