Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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