I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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