Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
