Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
