I'm lost and stupid without you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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