need another drink. this is the easiest way
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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