Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
