so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
