the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
