woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
