God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
