Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize