Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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