I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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