Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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