I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
