This is not my ceiling
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
