so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
