My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
