the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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