He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
