Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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