is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
