i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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