he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
