Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
