he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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