remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My dick has a subreddit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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