I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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