I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i now understand why vodka
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
