I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Randomize
