I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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