oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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