I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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