quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
