feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
