I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Shame - the story of my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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