i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
