At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
