im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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